Waktu teman saya curhat soal kewajiban membawa oleh-oleh dan kemudian minta diantar ke Paddy‘s untuk beli oleh-oleh, saya spontan menyinyiri karena nyinyir itu lebih mudah daripada membantu mencari solusi. Sebagai orang yang jarang membawakan oleh-oleh, saya lantas menyebutkan pasal 335 ayat 1 KUHP tentang perbuatan tidak menyenangkan dengan membawa meme berikut sebagai landasan pengetahuan saya 😛 .
Tapi teman saya ini lebih takut dikutuk jadi batu bila pulang kampung tanpa oleh-oleh daripada uang sakunya habis.
“Makan masih bisa minta teman. Hitung-hitung diet. Kalau oleh-oleh masa’ minta teman?”
Lalu dia nambahin. “Sebaiknya strategi alokasi uang saku itu kita belanjakan oleh-oleh dulu sampai puas baru sisanya kita pakai hidup selama di sini. Bukan sebaliknya, bujet oleh-oleh malah sisa uang saku. Dapat apa kita?!”
Dapat lapar dan jadi gelandangan di mari sih. Yakali bisa begitu mikirnya 🙄 .
Akhirnya saya setuju mengantar dia ke Paddy’s Market yang tersohor di kalangan pemburu oleh-oleh orang Indonesia sebagai Tanah Abangnya Australia. Syaratnya dia belikan saya makan siang dan jus padahal teman saya pakai duit makannya demi oleh-oleh…. 👿 .
Begitu sampai di Paddy’s, mata teman saya meredup.
“Kok kayak di pasar Jatinegara ya?”
“Lah? Emang menurut lo kayak gimana?”
“Gue pikir kayak di mall gitu. Toko-toko merk ternama berjejer tapi harganya murah…”
“Cuuuy, kalau itu namanya DFO. Discount Factory Outlet. Bukan Paddy’s Market! Lah elo kemarin gugel dulu gak sih?!”
Tentu jawabnya enggak.
Karena kami sudah kadung ke sana, saya geret dia buat keliling juga. Dengan bertambahnya langkah, semangat dia naik lagi. Dan satu jam kemudian dia sudah tenteng gembolan besar tas belanjaan di tangan kiri kanan.
“Gue seneng nih. Bakal lebih banyak orang-orang yang bisa gue kasih oleh-oleh dan status sosial gue semakin naik.”
Dan saya melongo.
Akhirnya sepanjang jalan pulang, saya diberikan kuliah hirarki oleh-oleh.
Menurut teori teman saya, oleh-oleh itu punya hirarki.
Hirarki pertama ditempati kelompok oleh-oleh untuk para orang penting di kampung sana yang jumlahnya mungkin mengikuti rumus matematikan: keluarga inti + orang tua plus mertua + saudara kandung (dan keturunannya) plus saudara ipar
Mau matek gak kalian kalau berasal dari keluarga besar?!
Untuk hirarki pertama ini, oleh-oleh gak boleh sembarangan. Gak boleh sekadar ketemu. Harus dipikirin warna kesukaan, ukuran yang pas, kesenangannya, dsb. Gantungan kunci dan magnet kulkas haram hukumnya dikasih untuk kelompok ini. Seyogyanya ya barang bermerk yang sebenarnya ada di Indonesia tapi kan rasanya beda kalau dibeli di luar negeri.
Hirarki kedua ditempati oleh-oleh untuk orang pengatur nasib kita. Di sini ada bos lo dan semua teman kantor yang butuh elo ambil hatinya. Oleh-olehnya juga gak boleh sembarangan dan harus berkelas. Biji kopi kualitas wahid misalnya, atau kalau gak mampu ya tumbler starbak aja 😀 . Hukumnya oleh-oleh ini wajib dikasih atau elo bakal disindir-sindir setahun penuh dalam rapat staff.
Saya tanya kenapa justru hirarki buat bos malah nomor dua dibanding hirarki buat keluarga? bukannya nasib dia bergantung dengan si bos?
Kata teman saya, hirarki kedua ini tergantung banget sama jenis bosnya. Jangan sampai dia kasih oleh-oleh eh malah dianggap nyari muka. Lah? Emang apa alasannya? Rasa kasih sayang?
Hirarki ketiga untuk oleh-oleh yang akan dikasih ke teman dan kenalan yang ada dipikiran tapi tidak terlalu spesial buat dicariin barang spesial.
“Apa jenis oleh-olehnya?”
“Kaos,” kata dia.
Now you know if someone gives you a t-shirt with the name of the city on it!
Seenggaknya kalian masih diingat, yes?
Hirarki berikutnya dan hirarki paling rendah adalah oleh-oleh untuk, “semua orang yang nanya gue, ‘wah baru jalan-jalan ya? Oleh-olehnya manaaaa?'”
“Nah, elo kasih deh tuh gantungan kunci, magnet kulkas, pajangan rumah, dompet koin, tas karung goni!” Semua barang yang bisa elo beli kodian.
Gue jadi teringat sesuatu.
“Heh, gue kan gak pernah minta oleh-oleh ke elo. Kenapa elo kasih gue gantungan kunci waktu terakhir elo jalan? Hah? Haaaah?! Masuk hirarki mana tuh oleh-oleh gue?!”
Teman saya langsung waspada.
“….kita makan dulu yuk. Mana itu resto Indonesia yang elo bilang enak? Gue traktir deh!”
Kampret.
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