Birthday’s Contemplation

~ mariskova

Every year, on March 8, on my birthday, I always have this question lingering in my head.

No, it’s not what I would get from my birthday.

Well, okay. That is too.

But, on a less serious side, my question to myself: How am I different this year, except for the number in my age?

This year, I sense that I have become a tougher self.

I know that most people would say it is a good thing to become tougher, because life always gives you harder challenges to conquer. And I also know that my life is not an exception. It has given me challenges always more difficult every time. Becoming a tougher person means in a way being able to survive life.

But, being tough also eats me from the inside. I am more rigid that before. Flexibility is not something that I do very often now. I am also more heartless to small mistakes done by other people. I sense that myself has become less patient with silly things and stupidity. I change from being a happy observer who usually is able to let go things easily to a whining observer who complains and cries out ‘should have been’ or ‘could be’ or ‘has to be’…

That would probably go unnoticed, until I sense I am not fun anymore. And life becomes not fun anymore. And work becomes not fun anymore. And people become not fun, at all. Most importantly, I become more and more tired every time. Mentally tired, and physically exhausted.

Then, preceeding my birthday, God gave me a birthday gift. I got sick. Really sick. Not only once, but twice in a row. And on top of that, my son got really sick too. And Papap had to be away from home during those sick days.

Suddenly, by outside force, I had no time for the world.

I turned my back off my phones, my computer, my blogs, my facebook, my newly registered twitter account, my emails, my friends, my bosses, especially my bosses. I shut the world outside my world. I experienced moments where I saw too many words, spoken and written, and they made me exhausted. I had no energy to reply sms, emails, messages, phones. I was simply tired.

That doesn’t sound like a terrific birthday, does it?

Well, surprisingly, this year’s birthday is more than great.

By being sick, I was given time and excuse to be alone and to contemplate. And you always wonder what birthday gift, God gives you every year…

By being sick, I could take care of my son at home without having to take extra leaves from office.

By being sick and having to take care of another sick patient, I learned how strong and tough I was. And how strong willed, I was.

By being sick together, my son and I had wonderful mother-child moments where we became closer to each other. And how I was loved unconditionally.

By being sick, I got to know how my tough parents were willing to do for me.

By being sick, I got to know how caring and loving my husband was.

By being away from the world, I got to know how my friends were so faithful and willing to wait for me to return.

It has been almost a week now. Although I know I still need more time to retreat from life, the world outside me is impatient. But, now, I am content. I give up being tough to conquer life. I will try to understand life to conquer life. Even if that means I have to take one or two steps backward. What’s the use of being tough, if that doesn’t make you heart content?

Contentment is the greatest wealth. Gede Prama

7,201 thoughts on “Birthday’s Contemplation”

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