If Only We Know What We Want

I watched ‘A Little Chaos’ quite unpurposely. I was in my hotel room and couldn’t sleep even after a long day working out of town. I started to flipped on the TV channels and found Kate Winslet’s face on the screen. I’ve never heard about the movie before and I found out later the why 😛 . It was the kind of movie that entertains you without you need to think hard. It’s not the kind of movie that haunts you -because of how good it is- after you finish watching it. It’s an easy movie with nice cinematic view of castles and fashion in 17th century French. The reason the movie sticks in my head apart from Kate Winslet’s performance is one quote that resonates well with me.

The movie was about Andre Le Notre, who designed the Champs-Élysées in Paris. In this movie, Andre, who is assigned by King Louis XIV to design the gardens of Versailles hires Sabine, a talented landscape designer. Sabine, who comes from low class, has to face class barrier and eventually falls in love with Andre. Told ya, it is a very simple and easy movie 😀 .

It is in this one scene when Andre is concerned with the King’s request for the garden. The request is unrealistic yet Andre has to make it happen. When Andre appears very disturbed with it, Andre’s staff said to him…

No man, however grand, knows what he wants ’til you give it to him.

…..and I was like…. 🙄 .
Is he talking about me?

No, not the grand one. It’s the ‘knows what he wants til somebody gives it to him‘ thing.

This past one year I’ve been struggling to see clearly what I really want with my life. Is it career? Is it more family time? Is it writing full time? Is it continuing my study? Is it more volunteering time? Is it being a full time mom? Is it not all of them? Honestly, I don’t quite know. It’s like I want everything fully. I want to dedicate my time for everything and everything in full capacity.

Although I’m a superwoman with a bright red robe on my back, I know that even that woman only has 24 hours a day reduced by 4-5 hours everyday for commuting, 5-6 hours for sleeping, 1-2 hours for long shower, and God only knows how many hours I spend for making sure the house is intact, the kids are happy, the work is done well, and my small unimpressive garden stays green. Sadly, my usual 24-hour has made me lose perspective of what I really want.

I have been so restless for a year or more and the movie makes me wonder if I need someone to map things out for me. Sometimes, for fun, I think of reading Tarot, or flipping a coin, or going to a fortune teller…besides, that’s exactly what the quote means.

Or, perhaps, perhaps, this feeling of being restless is because I don’t write as much as I want to? For all I know, writing keeps me in perspective, yet it is the thing that I neglect most.

End of year 2016. Hope in the 2017 my troubled mind is less troubled. And I hope I’ll write again for real.

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