The one moment when I feel that I am me is when I just sit silently among the crowds and observe. It can be in a waiting room waiting for a customer service staff, in a hospital lounge when I have to wait for my turn, in a meeting which lacks importance, in class where I don’t feel like being there, in a family gathering where discussion I don’t feel like joining… it can be anywhere.
My junior high school friend -whom I not-so secretly admired- told me once how he liked to observe me when I was in my own world. We were in the Osis together and we spent many meetings together.
“What were you thinking when you were doing that?” He once said which surprised me.
“I always watched you when you were daydreaming in meetings.”
And I wonder why we never had ‘a relationship’ back then?
“You would sit lazily on the chair and crossed one of your leg on top of the other. You’d put both your arms crossing in front of your chest. And your eyes were dreamy.”
The boy went to the same senior high school with me but we grew apart partly because he wasn’t in the meetings I was in. But the memory of him is what came to my mind when I listened to Piano Man being sung by Glee cast.
The song is about a piano man in a bar. He watches everyone and everything. He listens to people who come to the bar.
It’s nine o’clock on a Saturday
The Regular crowd shuffles in
There’s an old man sitting next to me
Makin’ love to his tonic and gin
The song reminds me of myself. When I just sit down and watch people. I can see beyond people’s mask, tears, and smiles. And most of the time, when my time is up, I feel more content with myself and more blessed than before.
Listening to the song now creates a sad and longing feeling because lately I don’t have the priviledge to just sit there and watch. It’s like I am losing a chance to visit me.